Sweltering Celt

It’s funny how much can happen in a single year.

I lost my job a few months ago. Everyone in this poly family has been through ups and downs. I have questioned my career path, decided to at least give a different direction a shot while I search for a new job, and am still in the process of job hunting and figuring out my true direction.

We stopped swinging (again) for a while and just now are starting to make new plans. I have started to write a novel. Well, it really is writing itself. I have plans for at least one other novel in my “spare time” and I’m trying to decide how much time to devote to this blog, which is something I have missed. I will be adjusting the format and content a little bit, since I’m not a huge fan of the political drama that I left the blogging world in the middle of. I am probably going to delete my entire blogroll and rebuild it, one person at a time. And I am not going to guarantee anything, since obviously every time I say “I’m going to blog more” I keep at it for a few days or weeks and then lose it completely all over again.

I’m just going to write when it strikes me, and I’m going to give myself the time to do it. Before, I either had the time but not the ideas, or vice versa. I’ll give you another warning too – I’m not going to write for the readers. I’m writing for ME.

With all that said, I DO need to run to rehearsal for a really fun concert, and then I might get home and write a little more. Whether it’s for this blog or starting something new, I haven’t decided yet

The hotel reservation is made. People have been contacted. Outfits have been planned and nerves are running on edge.

Doc and I are trying (again) to get me a few good (or even decent) men to spoil me rotten tonight.

I suppose you could call this an attempt at a gang bang. And depending on your personal definition of it, you might be right. But right now we’re only *fairly* certain that two men besides Doc will be there, and others we’re not sure of. To me, a foursome involving three guys spoiling me is still not quite a “gang bang” and that’s not a term I tend to use unless I’m feeling particularly dirty anyhow, but it does work.

It’s not easy to plan something like this. In the first place, I feel like it’s necessary to prepare well, screen the guys or use ones we know and have a fairly well outlined plan for the evening. The thing is, stuff like this doesn’t lend itself well for that. We are meeting in a neutral place for final screening and realistically we have done some good screening already, but I’ll be damned if it hasn’t been a pain for us to think of single guys that might be available. Doc did some “crop dusting” as I call it with emails and got a few responses from guys we know already, but beyond that – well, I’m sorry but my standards can tend to be a little high for some, especially in a rural area like this is.

I am not going to put out to a 900 pound neanderthal who has to be prodded to speak in more than monosyllabic grunts. I’m sorry. And that’s the basic gist of the matter. For a situation like this, intelligent discussion isn’t necessarily on the menu, but if you’re a complete idiot you probably also don’t understand the concept of boundaries and rules, nor do you understand the fact that when it’s all over and the point has been made that the married couple is ready to go to bed – that’s when you put your clothes on and head home. I am not going to deal with that.

I haven’t put a lot of expectations on this evening, and in fact we do have a plan B in case things don’t go as well as we’d hoped and none of the “applicants” qualify for a first class ticket to this chick’s tight pussy. I’m hoping we’re successful tonight because this will have been the third or fourth attempt at me taking more than two guys at once – and none so far have succeeded. As in, no one has showed up for any of the other “parties”. I’m pretty good about blaming that all on my fat ass, for the record.

So tonight we make another go of it. We hope for the best and have a backup plan in case no one shows. Again. And I’m okay with that. I will spend the evening with Doc no matter what, and if I get some extra cock out of the deal I won’t complain. I am going to forget about life for a while and just try to enjoy my Friday evening. Here’s hoping I have something to write about later this weekend…

It’s awesome to plan things.

Yep. Except sometimes you just have to be spontaneous. Sometimes you have an opportunity dropped in your lap at the last second and have to take advantage of it. Like last night: Doc and I went out hoping to find ourselves a few good men (or two, or three, or…) to spoil me rotten. While THAT was a bust, the night was a success in other ways. We had a great night, tried a few new things, did a few things we hadn’t done in a long time, and just plain had fun. Except this post isn’t necessarily about last night, so you don’t get the nitty gritty details. Yet…

One of the things that Doc and I have learned in the last few months is that no matter what we have planned, no matter how sure we are that it will be a success, we always have to have a plan B. So maybe in that way, spontaneity is a little overrated. If we don’t have a plan B, and plan A fails, we tend to end up grumpy and disappointed. Last night would have been one of those times, but we had that plan B sitting on the sidelines and even though we were a little disappointed in the lack of responses, we had a fantabulous time together. We didn’t have time to plan out the event we were dreaming and hoping for, so in that case it was extra important to be alright with something else – and we were!

Having said that, we still want to make last night’s Plan A happen. I have long had a gang bang fantasy, and in particular last night I had some pent up energy that needed very much to be expended. The release I needed was the result of some serious frustrations with situations and long-standing dysfunctions that need to be rectified but likely won’t, at least for some time if ever.

Today we are looking at a long term plan. Setting a date in the future, probably two months or so, and planning towards it. Not on our own this time, but with the help of friends that are more likely to have the right connections. Making arrangements, making connections, finding the right people to entertain, and then going for the whole thing gangbusters. Because that’s what we do. We plan. We negotiate. We communicate. And it’s awesome. And we will still have a Plan B.

Spontaneity is grand and awesome and totally cool. But it has it’s place, and I think I’m learning that spontaneity belongs more in the realm of getaways for two rather than more. Or at the very least, if Doc and I are going to be spontaneous, we can’t expect random people to go along. I am glad that we are developing a circle of friends that we can call on for last-minute escapades if so desired, but that circle is still fairly small and doesn’t always coincide with what we want. Enter the planning.

Planning. Spontaneity. Planning. Spontaneity. It’s an interesting balance between the two, and sometimes there’s an element of both in what we do. That’s totally okay. And I’m so excited that we’re striking that balance, communicating and exploring and sometimes screwing up, but always always trying. Always growing. Always moving. And we are doing it together. We are learning that one isn’t better than the other. Things don’t always have to be BETTER. They just might be more appropriate for a specific situation.

Just like magic, I disappeared.

My old hosting company locked out my account one day because it was 30 days overdue. I tried for months to find a way to pay them but was disallowed because they had locked me out of the account. And then… my domain came up for renewal and they wouldn’t let me do that either. And then one of those awesome squatting domain companies came and stole it.

So welcome to the new Sweltering Celt. Doesn’t look much different, but it sure isn’t where it used to be. Someday I might get the .com back, but in the meantime we’re here. And I hope it’s not too much stress to change your links (if you link to me).

Special thanks at this point go to a friend who gave me a hand with transferring all of the files and the database and everything else to this new domain. I know it technically wasn’t difficult but when a poor sexy Celt keeps getting pulled away from a computer to actually do real WORK, it makes things a little difficult. These special thanks go to @spankinresource on Twitter – the blog is here.

Sometimes, the tiny things people do for a friend (or acquaintance) in need can seem like so little but mean so much. This really meant a lot to me.@Spankinresource immediately jumped to my aid and look – not even an hour later, I’m writing in my blog. The LEAST I can do is make that public acknowledgment and thank him. So thanks. It means so much to me.

Without my blog, I felt surprisingly lost. Many of you may be sitting reading that last sentence in disbelief, thinking, “What the hell? She hasn’t even written in months anyways!!!” but the whole reason I even NOTICED it was gone was that I had the beginnings of at least 4 blog posts written out on paper and was trying to sign in to get them out and scheduled… the day after the stupid thing went dark. I should have at that point just started moving everything over, but my head decided not to work any more. My heart failed me and my creativity and desire tried to shut down. Logic told me just to quit, since my stupid ass hadn’t blogged in too long and anyone who used to read probably didn’t anymore. My heart wanted to believe that too. Why bother posting if no one is going to read, I asked myself. And then I remembered that I don’t blog for all of you and anyone else that doesn’t read the blog and may or may not EVER read this blog. I blog because it’s cathartic, because I ENJOY blogging, and because if even one person’s life is touched by what I have to say here, then I am doing something with my experiences and my life that is for good.

Mind you, every single one of you that’s reading this right now – you’re making my day. Even if I don’t know you, even if I don’t know you’re reading. You’re making my day. Yes. You. Thank you.

So here’s a few things I want to get out there for the sake of hoping the accountability will make it happen. I WANT to post more. I am getting to a place where it’s not only possible but I’m starting to have things to write about again. Hell, I probably have a backlog of things to write about a mile long. Pictures? Well, let’s see about that. I need new ones, there haven’t been any taken in over a year.

I would like to get Microfantasy Mondays going again, if only for the two people that have messaged me privately asking about it. Yeah, those are mine, and I very nearly thrust them upon someone else in a fit of despair not long ago, but it’s kinda my baby and I should take care of it again.

I’m going to start writing about sex AND relationships again. I went through a few years there of not really having a lot of sex and not exploring NEARLY to the extent I wanted to. We’re trying to change that, so with luck there will be new explorations to write about. In that vein, I am also going to talk about trying to balance work, family, and being a sexy sexy bitch. Finally, this journey towards healthy self esteem – it’s a major one for me and threads through EVERYTHING I do. It’s going to come up a lot, including the various things I’m trying to use to improve. If you hate the idea of alternative therapies, you might start hating me. I promise I won’t become any sort of raving fanatic. It’s not my style. But I might talk about things I’m doing that Ranger calls “voodoo witchcraft magic”.

Finally, I want to thank everyone who is bothering to read this. You don’t have to, and you might be doing so out of a morbid curiosity to see what the HELL this crazy woman that’s been so damn inconsistent for YEARS has to say today. The truth is, I can’t make any guarantees. I have a lot of responsibilities and don’t always get help. Blogging has to be lower on the totem pole than my relationships, my family, earning my paycheck, and fulfilling real life obligations. But it’s back on the totem pole at least. And instead of hoping that the blog will write itself, I’m working towards scheduling time to write, thinking of things to write about, and then actually writing.

It’ll be just like magic.

I am 31 years old. I started this blog a little over 6 years ago and over the years have posted less and less. Not because I have nothing to write about, but because I have allowed fears and doubts to creep into my psyche and prevent the words from being transcribed from my head and my heart to this medium.  The internet has a funny way of being open to the public eye, and there are times when that is a daunting prospect.

I have acknowledged a great many of my own faults, and others’ faults as well.  I have celebrated triumphs and admitted to failures.

Today, I have to talk about hope.  You see, for 31 years I have understood and accepted that I am worthless.  That I am not worth a damn thing to anyone, least of all myself.  Everything I have ever accomplished is, to my mind, worth nothing.  That I am a reasonably accomplished musician, that I graduated college at 30 with a stellar GPA and even spoke at commencement, that I got a job right out of school, that I have an amazing family and even that this blog (at least once) was successful and a pleasure for even a small contingent of readers… none of that spoke to me of any kind of self worth. Why? Because none of it suggested to me that I deserve to be treated well, to be loved, to be important to others. I have spent my life trying to prove myself to others without ever considering the idea that I shouldn’t have to prove myself. To anyone, not even myself. I *should* be lovable just the way I am.

I was on anti depressants for a long time, but it never changed my view of myself. I have been off them for a little over a year now, and my self view still hasn’t changed. I don’t just hurt myself with this view. I hurt others too. They see how I see myself and they don’t understand it. They see me as something completely different and they hurt when I can’t see what they do. I have tried. Believe me, I have tried to put myself in others’ shoes and see this beautiful, smart, strong woman they claim is me. And it turns out that when I think I am starting to succeed, when I have a fleeting moment of belief that I might be worth something… that’s when it all comes crashing down on my head and I can’t see a damn thing they claim to. When disappointments pile up, it just looks to me like it’s because I’m not deserving of anything else. When I’m upset about being disappointed, there is nothing left to do but hate myself for thinking I deserve any better. And it only follows that I hate myself for getting down on myself. That I hate myself for not seeing what others do. That I hate myself for thinking the way I do when I shouldn’t.

I’ve been to therapy for this. It’s never helped. Not with a pile of people telling me to just think positively, to just look at myself closely and see the inner beauty. Not with suggestions or advice or anything else. I know that I have to make the leap myself, that somewhere inside myself I have to find this magical switch and flip it to see the goodness that everyone else sees is there.

I have to have hope that I am what others see in me. I have to have hope that disappointments won’t always be my primary expectation. I have to have hope that maybe someday, I will inspire the kind of treatment that is in line with how people say they feel about me. That kind of hope is hard to grasp, but without it – well, without it I have nothing.

When I was told the title of Best Bondage Erotica 2011, I’ll admit I had a healthy dose of trepidation course through my skeptical mind.  The term “best” tends to raise my eyebrows without fail, particularly since I’ve seen the best some have to offer and been sorely disappointed.  Imagine my surprise when not only were the stories in BBE11 well written, grammatically sound (hey, that’s important to me) and arranged brilliantly, but they were in fact some of the best I’ve read.  I appreciated that some didn’t necessarily speak to my kinks but were still hot.  I loved that some stories had my pussy throbbing until I could hardly hold on to the book, and others had me clenching it in my hands, aching for more after the story ended.  A rare few had me nearly screaming in frustration, wanting more of the authors’ imaginations to speak to me from the pages.  But the common thread among all of the stories was the soul of the characters – the unyielding, concentrated spirit that lives within strong individuals who choose kink.

Not everyone will enjoy every story; even I didn’t love all of them.  The difference between this book and many others I have read, however, is that I didn’t skip past any of the stories.  I didn’t roll my eyes and give up because of poor writing.  I didn’t slam the book shut out of irritation with bad spelling or grammar.  I didn’t have to swallow my disgust with poor word choice or blatantly unsafe (or even illegal) practices.  What does this mean to you?  It means that this is a bondage erotica book that everyone can enjoy.  Intellectual word geeks won’t find themselves turned off by bad writing, because it doesn’t exist in this book.  Those with more relaxed attitudes towards literature will also enjoy the high quality scenes painted from cover to cover.  The quality of the writing was obviously well considered.

Finally, the last thing I’m going to say in this short and sweet review is that I am amazed at the diversity of the anthology.  Points of view I had never even considered were explored and devoured in BBE11.  I could FEEL how a top might have felt in the situation.  I could sense a bottom’s excitement and a newcomer’s trepidation.  I could put myself in many different shoes and because of that, I gained some incredible new perspectives.  I enjoyed that, more than I expected.

When it comes down to the wire, I was pleasantly surprised to see that Rachel put together a stellar anthology that has something for nearly every bondage lover.  I know that I’ve already dogeared a few of my favorite stories and will return to them many times for inspiration and sharing.

(In other news, we’ll return to Microfantasy Monday soon. Thanks so a certain someone who inspired me to return to it)

When I think of this number, I think of… Red.  So enjoy your theme this week and bonus points if you can tell me why!

Yep, I forgot again last weekend.  Things are in constant flux here lately, but thankfully I have good friends to remind me that it’s time for a theme!

This week, the theme is courage.  We all know that courage can come at the most unexpected times… and in unexpected ways.

I missed again last week.  My apologies, I was unexpectedly away from computers.

This week, I want you to write about teeth.  Yep.  Have fun!

It’s cold already here. Today was an outdoor concert and I thought my fingers might freeze off before we managed to finish. Thankfully it was a short concert.  The leaves are changing, and so are many aspects of life in this crazy little family. This morning I had a lengthy conversation about some of those changes, and it occurred to me that a fantasy could be had of one of them (or more, but I’ll keep it simple this week)…

This week, your theme is: Training.